As the presidential election looms just a few weeks away, America is once again presented with the usual suspects: big-party candidates with big promises, big money, and even bigger egos. But amid the political circus, one name quietly reappears like a dependable but slightly dusty VHS tape on your shelf: Richard Duncan, Ohio’s very own Independent candidate. Yes, the Richard Duncan. You know, the guy who has run for president more times than you’ve remembered to replace your smoke detector batteries.
Duncan, a perennial candidate who has been running for president since you were in middle school (probably), is back. His platform? Well, it's refreshingly... realistic. While other candidates are out there promising the moon, Duncan is here to remind you that sometimes, you just need to find your car keys.
What’s Duncan's Platform, You Ask?
Well, sit down and buckle up, because it’s a wild ride of commonsense solutions, mild suggestions, and a few questionably practical ideas.
1. The "Let's Just Be Reasonable" Policy
Duncan's number one campaign slogan is all about dialing things back. While other candidates are proposing trillion-dollar initiatives and outlandish reforms, Duncan’s platform is all about making reasonable improvements. Healthcare? Sure, why not give everyone a first-aid kit. Energy policy? Let’s just turn off the lights when we leave the room. “We don’t need drastic change,” Duncan says. “We need a better to-do list.”
2. The Duncan Stimulus Plan: Buy a Sandwich
Forget universal basic income or trillion-dollar stimulus packages. Duncan proposes something simpler: a sandwich voucher for every American. “What’s more comforting than a sandwich?” he asks. “Turkey, ham, or even a PB&J—it’s the boost this country needs. Let’s start with lunch and go from there.”
His economic plan, known as "Duncanomics," is rooted in the idea that if every American bought a sandwich, the economy would see a surge in sandwich-related industries—bread, lettuce, condiment production. “I believe in trickle-down mayonnaise,” he explained.
3. Fixing Traffic Lights Nationwide
While other candidates focus on climate change or foreign policy, Duncan knows where America’s real frustration lies: traffic lights. His bold plan involves synchronizing every traffic light in the country to reduce road rage, cut commute times, and—let’s be honest—get us home in time for reruns of Jeopardy!
“It’s simple, really,” Duncan said at a campaign rally attended by both of his neighbors. “We can’t solve the world’s problems until we solve America’s biggest problem: red lights when you’re in a hurry. If we can fix traffic lights, everything else will fall into place.”
4. Foreign Policy: Let’s Talk About Canada
Duncan isn’t afraid to tackle international relations, starting with our neighbor to the north. His entire foreign policy revolves around fostering closer ties with Canada, largely because of its "maple syrup surplus" and "adorable accents." Duncan’s diplomatic solution? A pancake summit. “Let’s sit down with the Canadians, over pancakes, and talk this out. I think it’ll work.”
His foreign relations strategy has been dubbed “Pancake Diplomacy” and, to his credit, hasn’t been tried by anyone else, ever.
5. Education: Time to Bring Back Chalkboards
While most candidates are laser-focused on tech in classrooms, Duncan believes we've gone too far. "When I was a kid, teachers had chalkboards, and things got done," he declared during a Facebook Live event (which froze twice). He’s proposing a nationwide return to chalk, arguing that it’ll bring a sense of nostalgia and focus to classrooms everywhere. Plus, it’ll help future generations understand what it’s like to really hate squeaky sounds.
6. Ending All Political Ads... Forever
If you’re tired of the endless parade of campaign ads, you’ll love Duncan’s promise to eliminate them entirely. “Here’s the thing: no one actually likes political ads,” he points out. “If I’m elected, I’ll sign an executive order on day one: no more TV ads, no more YouTube ads, no more getting bombarded while watching cat videos. Let the American people live in peace.”
Why Should You Vote for Richard Duncan?
At first glance, Duncan’s platform may seem quirky, but that’s exactly why he deserves a second look (and maybe a third, just to be sure). While other candidates bicker over complex policies and ideological divides, Duncan’s approach is refreshingly relatable. No grand promises, no 500-page policy plans. Just a guy from Ohio who wants to fix traffic lights and make sure every American has access to a decent sandwich.
Plus, voting for Duncan means casting a vote for peace—the peace that comes with never having to endure another political ad during your favorite TV show. That alone might be worth the price of admission.
So this November, when you’re standing in the voting booth, tired of the noise, tired of the debates, and really tired of the ads, consider Richard Duncan. He’s not promising to change the world, but he is promising you a sandwich and a traffic light that turns green just when you need it. And honestly, isn't that the America we all want to live in?
Vote for Richard Duncan—because sometimes, all you need is a sandwich and a stoplight that actually works.