Chapter Text
He wondered, when did he start to hear the echoes of broken dreams?
When did he latch so much to it, pay too much attention to it that the sounds naturally distort just so he can hear them? Or was it him that was distorted without realizing it?
When he comes out of the Abyss, changing becomes too easy. Instead, keeping hold of what was left from his previous self became a hard thing to do.
After a mere three months (was it?) Ajax forgot how colors worked. What shade was his hair? He knows his eyes should be blue. But was the world this vividly colorful? The Abyss that comes out with him is so full of confusion, wonder, and curiosity that Ajax begins to doubt the answer to that questions.
So, with multiple voices babbling in his mind and eyes hurting from the sheer vividness of the world, Ajax walked to what he guessed was the direction of his home. He believed that everything would be fine as long as he could go back. Even if he was now changed into something more, his family is still waiting and searching for him.
He was wrong.
His entire being has become too much for that place previously dubbed home. Too sharp, too dangerous, too inhuman. Even if they can’t feel, see, or hear The Abyss, there’s something inherently wrong with Ajax for ordinary people. This includes his family. His family tries to understand, and when they fail, they try to ignore it. It only makes the situation worse.
So when he was sent to the Fatui, Tonia’s confused voice mixed with something close to breaking Ajax did not protest. He knows something like this is coming.
No one can move him unless he wants to. But if he was honest—
And he can not be dishonest, with Abyss constantly asking What’s wrong? Does Ajax hurt?
—staying in the house and the whole village makes him feel awful. There’s no warmth in the house other than from his little siblings. And that includes Teucer, who’s just a literal baby.
Ultimately, he bid his little siblings goodbye and packed his bag. Anthon does not understand, while Tonia tries hard not to cry. Her voice mixed with something he couldn’t place, but knows it was the sound of something ending. After all, The Abyss always made that kind of sound.
For a moment, he considers staying just for her. But he fears that will only make everything worse.
So he joins the Fatui. Breaks through their rank in record time, dedicating his time to get stronger and gain control of the power that The Abyss happily gives without constraints. Along the way, he signed up for the position that would be sent to the field. He takes any changes he can to travel, bringing The Abyss as his constant companion. He indulges Their curiosity and lets Them see the world from behind his eyes.
It was a win-win for both of them, as Ajax and The Abyss always wanted to see the world. It was not the adventure he dreamed of as a child, but it’s not bad either. Even if he sometimes sees and hears something that taints the beauty of the world.
Eventually, he moves from the barrack to the palace, reaching a higher station than anyone expected. In his time as the Harbinger, it becomes clearer what the sounds he sometimes hears are. He started to realize when facing the younger recruits.
He doesn’t know whose bright idea it is, but he receives the role of leading them despite being younger than them. He did not know who was unfortunate, him for bringing a bunch of newbies on his mission or them for unknowingly entering the mission with a high casualty rate.
The thing is, people who join the Fatui have many different reasons. It might be for the sake of honor, money, revenge, or pride. Whatever it is, there’s a wildly peculiar experience for Ajax when facing the younger recruits. Especially the one who dreams about honor.
It makes him wince inside when a particularly naive newbie has their rose-tinted glass break. He thought it was just sympathy, but when he started to get into a more dangerous mission and heard that familiar broken sound again, he began to doubt it.
The first time he meets one of the children from the House of Hearts, realization stabs him like one of his own blades. The sounds were not his imagination. He did hear something shatter.
Through time and place, the echo of dreams violently breaks rang in his ears.
Since then, Ajax has never stopped aching when near The Children of House of Hearts. He tried to keep his distance. Less, he throws rationality out the window and challenges Arlecchino. It won’t change anything for those children. The source of their pain is not even exactly Arlecchino.
This was just Ajax wanting to snarl and challenge the closest person. Someone who appears to be fine letting the House of Hearts exist. When he can't stop hearing those echoes.
Don’t even get him started when near Dottore labs. He abhors those bastards and his experiments.
It always makes Harbinger's meeting awful to attend. For some reason or others, the bunch of them always bring the worst sounds to Ajax's ears. Especially the ex-Ballader. Man, that guy is lucky Ajax can go along well when everyone just f*cking forget him. Thankfully, The Abyss makes it easy to figure out what happened.
Still, he did wonder why he could hear those echoes. While he wasn't sure when it started, he did have suspicions. It started with him and his own little sister.
He supposes this misery is his own making.
It’s in his nature to deeply love and care for his family. He didn’t know at that time, but when Tonia slowly realized he wouldn’t be back home anymore, when letters became their main way to keep track of each other, when he finally had ‘time off’ and went back to visit only to receive warmth from a much jaded Tonia and confused Anthon— he tried to protect what he can.
His family is not in physical danger. But change can bring pain. To them, Ajax has changed beyond recognition. Like a fast river, his family was also dragged by that current. They changed from a typical, happy family, and Tonia understands that.
Others said she has matured. Ajax wants to apologize for breaking her view of their family. She doesn’t care. Despite everyone's caution, she wants to keep being his younger sister like always.
She is his princess, and he is her knight, and no one will change her mind. Even if he was bloody and other.
There’s a fire in her, and Ajax is so breathlessly proud. His sister is beautiful and fierce in her determination. But he knows that this growth comes from something broken in her. Although something stronger comes from it, he can’t ignore that truth.
So, he takes more care for Anthon and Teucer. He weaves an illusion of adventure, claiming he is the best toymaker and always traveling for inspiration. The lies come out easily just to see his younger sibling keep smiling without burden. No one in his family denied this, they all went along.
Even Tonia just sighed in exasperation and understanding. She is the best sister because she helped cover that web of lies while promising she would mock him when Anthon and Teucer found out.
As Ajax tried his best to protect their childhood dreams, the change must have started to take place. The Abyss responds to his longing, even the unsaid one. But the form and way it appears is always surprising.
The Abyss is where everything Ends and Starts, so his perception and sensitivity to things that touch that domain went up. Ajax expected the shadow, the dead, the lost. He didn’t expect the dream to count as well.
It’s not like it happened every time. That’s more for the unalive or the one lost in the border between living and death.
No, he can only hear it once in a while. But the echo of the dream he hears is always the broken one. The violent break that signifies when a child is forced to grow up. Or when someone killed a part of themselves, reborn into something vicious, just like him.
Somehow, in a twisted kind of fate, Aventurine is all of the above. It makes Ajax want to paint his blades red with the blood of the one responsible for those heartbreaking sounds.
“I didn’t think I would hear a child dream break like that again. I mean it’s inevitable for them to fade away. But to sound like that…”
A dream is a form of a wish. Children with their limited experience but infinite wonder often make one that suits their desire. Pure of wonder and curiosity, heedless of the logic and the hurdle they might face to reach that wish.
As their aged, reality often does not align with their expectations. So those childhood dreams fade away like snow melting when spring arrives. But that's alright. It was a process of growing up. It’s not like adults never dream. They do, it’s just in a different way than children.
But not all people get the luxury of growing up gradually. Sometimes, it was needed to grow up fast, enough to hurt and leave a mark. The need to survive beating all the rose-tinted views.
In that case, the dreams shatter forcefully. It was so violent it left shards and wounds that’ll keep the heart bleeding even as years passed. Ajax knows from first experience when what was supposed to be a little adventure to fulfill his dream turned into something he never imagined.
“Although this is not the first time, I have never been used to hearing it. It never feels good when that sound appears.” He said quietly, lost in thought. Aventurine—Kakavasha's broken dreams sound like Children from House of Hearts, and he doesn’t know what to feel about that.
“Oh, Ajax...“ Zhongli tried to soothe the younger man, feeling him shiver with boiling rage. It was without direction right now, but Zhongli had no doubt that when it found his target, it would be shown by the sharpness of Ajax blades.
Sunset red hair snuggles deeper into Zhongli's shoulder, trying hard to focus on the present. His mind returned to the doubt that shadowed him since he decided to be involved with Aventurine. He asks slowly, “Zhongli, am I being selfish?”
Zhongli hummed, giving the thought it needed. There’s more to that question than it seemed. He turned to look directly at Ajax's searching gaze. “Perhaps in another view. But from what I see Ajax is only trying to help.”
“Then am I being noisy.” Childe huffed in self-deprecatory, a turmoil he rarely faced in his heart. He does want to help. But helping Aventurine means something he can’t put into words for both him and the other man.
Zhongli titled his head, catching an oddness in that tone. It was as if Ajax wanted to hear something but also wanted to avoid it. Nevertheless, Zhongli shakes his head.
“Sometimes that's what reaching out a hand to help looks like. The important thing is you offered. You give him a choice, and I think, for him that’s enough. The fact that he did take your hand can answer all you doubt, my dear.“ Zhongli pats the soft hair, not breaking their eye contact and letting Ajax see the truth plainly.
Ajax nodded in relief. He knows this, but hearing it again from Zhongli makes him more assured.
In truth, he doesn’t have many friends. It’s not unusual for him to offer a casual helping hand, but it was rarely taken, what with his reputation. Even if it was, Aventurine situation is not as simple as beating people up.
Maybe it was because they met inside a variation of The Abyss. Or maybe it is because Aventurine is walking alone in the dark with only one strong amulet and the intent to fulfill the death's blood debt as his drive.
That is a man who can’t afford to die because he promised himself to survive. Ajax understands that.
That is also a man who only just learned that maybe he can live past that. Not just living to survive, but also living for his own sake and wish.
Once upon a time, Ajax learned that lesson too.
But Aventurine somehow seems new to it. Like a fresh wound still bleeding but finally healing. So Ajax decides to act carefully, trying not to startle the man. He knows that helping Aventurine can only work best if the person accepts it.
Still, it sends a pang of guilt. Because he knows that continuing with this decision did not just risk him alone anymore. He peeks at Zhongli's eyes that never strayed from him, almost meekly he can’t help lowering his voice in a whisper. “Will this bring trouble to you Zhongli?”
The god's eyes widen, staring for a few seconds in disbelief before abruptly letting out a hearty laugh. The arms around Ajax tighten, and Zhongli holds him tight. He radiated glee instead of the hesitation Ajax imagined. “No! No. Rather, this will be another adventure with you.”
Ajax can only glomp back belatedly, his voice muffled and a bit confused at the sheer excitement Zhongli suddenly exuded. “W-why are you suddenly in high spirits?”
Zhongli bit his lip, trying to stop another outburst. He was honestly so full of emotions. Ever since he found his treasured mate gone right from his arm, searching frantically across many dimensions, and finally finding him all tiny but still Ajax with his too-big heart. Now he was faced with a rare sight, a young looking Ajax shyly and wordlessly asking for help— Oh Zhongli is gone for this man.
The long-ignored voices in his head could be heard clamoring again.
‘Our treasure is so precious! He is worrying about Us!’ What probably should sound as a majestic, pleased roar is rather embarrassingly ended with a wobble. The massive serpentine body wiggles, overwhelmed with happiness. Their treasure rarely asked for their help!
Beside him, the other divine beast voices its own approval “That means he also accepted that We will come with him. He is learning to lean on Us.’
Despite the regal voice, the fluffy tail behind it wagged excitedly.
It was adorable. How is Ajax the one that was kidnapped ( right in their house which was supposed to be safe), but he is worrying about Zhongli?
This is Ajax heading straight into unknown danger but stopping just before leaping. It was his way of looking back at Zhongli for some kind of permission before wreaking havoc. Because he knows Zhongli won’t let him do it alone. That means he knows whatever trouble he ends up in, Zhongli will be right beside him. It makes the dragon and qilin inside him overwhelmed with affection.
“Didn't we promise to Travel the world and see the sight we couldn't? What better way to start seeing new worlds with a newly gained friend?” Zhongli chuckles right into Ajax's ears. He was so glad he chose this form, it is satisfying how he can cover Ajax's back but not too much that it feels restricting for Ajax.
“Was it that simple?” Ajax grips Zhongli's sleeve, uncertain but barely concealing the hope mixed with excitement within his chest. They did make that promise, and they have traveled all over Teyvat when they had time. It is one of the activities he looks forward to.
Zhongli let the purr in his chest free, nuzzling like a cat and lips setting in a content smile. “Why would it not be? I didn’t expect new dimension, but it was not surpring in hindsight. Since I meet you there’s just so many new things I never knew. It’s refreshing. I have alreadly live this long, but like a youth, I find myself filled with surprise and liking it. It’s like learning the world all over again.”
Ajax absorbs the words like a blessing. How can he not when Zhongli looks so happy?
His eyes and hair are glowing with gold, and there’s a familiar sensation of a tail wrapping around them. A pair of deer-like horns is slowly forming on the side of Zhongli's head. He was clearly losing control because of his emotions, and Ajax sometimes couldn’t believe this could happen because of him.
But Zhongli never lies about his feelings; the beast-like appendage is always more honest and gives away Zhongli's emotions. He held tighter on that knowledge, the mark of Vow Zhongli made on his pinky finger flaring in reminder.
Suddenly, he can only babble with the warmth that fills his lungs and heart, wanting to reciprocate Zhongli's sudden sincerity. “Me too! I have learned so many things since I met you. Not just about Liyue but also about myself and the world. So. So I’m happy to know that you also have that change. T-then let’s keep learning together?”
Zhongli thought this feeling might be what killed him in the end. Filled with warmth like molten lava in his stone heart, and the brightest star he ever caught in his arm, Zhongli answers, “If it’s with you, then I would love to learn forever.”
“Can I ask something too, Baobei?” Zhongli speaks after enjoying the comfortable silence.
Ajax blinks curiously at him, hearing a bit of concern in Zhongli's tone. “Sure. Is there something bothering you?”
Zhongli takes hold of the back of Ajax's neck, needing to make sure he understands the gravity of this question. He gently asks, “Do you undertsand what is the risk to you? I’m saying this because I know you intends to help him. As one of the eldest being in Teyvat and as your husband I must know you’re ready for it.”
Ajax's eyes widened in surprise. He knows what Zhongli is asking. He has been thinking a lot about it, too.
Zhongli is not talking about the dangerous journey he might ended up in if he helped Aventurine. He was talking about the far future, long after everything is done.
Ajax rarely forms a bond with anyone. He keeps his distance because it will hurt both sides when that bond ends. Because it will. Not by his own hand but by the nature of time and death.
When he bound himself with The Abyss, he signed off whatever mortal life he could have. Ajax will forever accompany The Abyss, meaning his lifespan is more than long enough to surpass whoever he encounters. This includes his family, his little siblings .
When he understood that, he was shaken. He didn’t know how to take that fact. He knows it was a consequence of his deal, and tried to make peace with it. But it’s hard. Especially when his younger siblings slowly got older.
He wondered if he would blink and found the time passed without knowing. Before he realizes it, will his little siblings grow up to be an adult? Will he lose track of time and find them gone?
He has forever in his future. Will his memory eventually clouded, and will he forget what his family looks like? What does their voice sound like?
It was a time when he was obsessed with taking photos with a kamera. When he hears the talk of upgrading the device to make a record of moving images with sounds, Ajax heavily invests in that, too. From then on, he tries to savor every small moment with his little siblings and family, because he knows that if he doesn’t fall on the battlefield, he will outlive them.
In that aspect, meeting Zhongli and falling in love with him might be Ajax's best luck. And vice versa. Because both of them have a lifespan that’s just too long to put into words.
It makes them have an enlightening conversation about what immortality means. What are its effects on Ajax, who was born human and not an enlightened beast? How he was obviously not equippped to handle that. How to best handle it in Zhongli experience, and what to caution for.
This is one of those thing. Zhongli is asking if Ajax knows the risk of being close to Aventurine.
Ajax can barely handle the knowledge that he will outlive his little sibling. He still doesn’t know how losing them will break him. He knows he will never be able to prepare for it. He loves his family. They’re his whole world. It was the only way he knew to love, deeply and entirely.
Zhongli must have seen how he treated Aventurine, personally guiding and protecting him. With how fast he bonded with the young man, and voicing his intent to follow Aventurine to his world, Zhongli must’ve been worried.
Because this bond is quite strong now, and if Ajax follows through and strengthens it even more, he will add more bonds that can hurt him when it’s time to say goodbye.
But that’s alright. Ajax knows he will regret it more if he doesn’t try now. Separation is inevitable, but the time he spends with them can be more precious than anything. It will be precious now, and it will be precious even longer in the future.
Maybe he will curse himself for forging a bond that is etched too deep in his heart. But he will never abandon those precious people, even if it brings him pain. Loving someone precious has always been the one thing that can bring him strength and ruin.
That’s why it’s important to stay true to himself. And to Ajax, that means protecting his precious one in any way he can, as long as he can. When their time comes, he wants it because of something natural like old age. Not because their life was cut short. He wants to see them flourish and happy. He wants to bring those memories to accompany him on his journey of forever with The Abyss and Zhongli.
He remembers how Zhongli tells him tales of regrets. He wishes Ajax would not hesitate like him because, for a long lifespan like them, the burden of regrets is hard to shake.
Hearing the unspoken words but evident concern in Zhongli's eyes and words, Ajax can’t help the flutter in his heart. His lightless eyes soften at Zhongli's way of showing affection, but Ajax's voice is determined. “Yes. It’s okay Zhongli. I want to try.”
Zhongli sighed in relief at the confirmation. Then there’s only one thing left for him to do. He grasped Ajax's small hand, somehow still scarred even at this age, and kissed the little finger where their first Vow still held fast. “Very well. So long as you hold tight on that resolve, I'm sure everything will fall into their place. Rest assured, no matter what happens I will always be by your side. All the way until the end.”
They spend the rest of the morning cuddling after that. Ajax with a lingering blush because that was not how he expected airing his worries to go. Zhongli is the opposite, content to spout more praise and confession if only Ajax ever let him.
Ajax pouted while poking at a grinning cheek. It feels soft. “You know, even tiny you can’t stop being poetic. It’s a shame that you look cute but the words is so mature. I wonder how young Zhongli truly act before?”
Zhongli let Ajax pinch his cheek, mumbling, “Who knows? It’s been so long even I barely remember my childhood. I could say the same about Ajax though, you looks really squishy my dear.”
Ajax chuckled, letting go of his husband's cheek. “Squishy? I've never heard that one before.”
Zhongli nodded enthusiastically, his own hand reaching for Ajax's cheek, carefully stroking the skin. “Yes. You looks very small and soft. It makes me want to take a bite.”
Ajax raised his eyebrows. “Zhongli we’re in a child bodies, no funny bussiness.”
Zhongli blinked back in confusion, “Of course not. I mean that literally.”
Ajax is puzzled. What does that mean? ‘Does Zhongli mean take a bite literally—’
They both stared at each other in mutual confusion. Ajax gazed at Zhongli's reptilian eyes, which he realized hasn't stop staring at him for a while now. The feels of sharp nails on his cheek.
Oh.
With a burst of motion, Ajax silently rolled out of the bed and rushed through the door.
Zhongli watched this with utter shock and perplexity, reflecting on the conversation to find the reason, before gasping and chasing after the fading figure, “Wait! Ajax! Baobei, that’s not what I mean—”
Aventurine is sleeping peacefully for once. The bed is sinfully soft, and the fabric Ajax carefully chose yesterday is not for naught. It’s really comfortable, so much so that he didn’t notice the approaching noise.
At least not until the door to his room bangs open forcefully.
Startled, he woke with a stuttered gasp. A blur of blue and orange, which he registered as Ajax crashed into him. His arm instinctively wrapped around the bundle of energy in bewilderment. He was still half asleep but quickly jerked awake by Ajax's screech.
“Aventurine! Zhongli wants to eat me!!”
